Wisdom.

Lesson learnt.

I went! After all that drama i went and it was A okay. Phew!
I swear, i have a bad habit of dramatizing anything and everything, and this Saturday was a good example of that dramatization. It is exhausting!
Well, twas good to just get out of the house and not study! Yay! However, staying on track. We had mass, and about 10 mins went and X came, then another 5 mins passed by and Y came. It was a terrible feeling because it was my entire fault that this happened so, i thought back to what had happened with some other people and how i - somewhat - fixed that problem and thought, 'this will work too!'. Oh boy was i wrong. Okay, so at the end of mass i asked them both to sit down and that failed (i should have stopped there), then i said, 'it doesn't take a genius too see it is awkward between you two, so you should talk about it'. Then i left them to talk, and after that i think i just made thins more awkward. Seriously! I thought that was a really good idea! I guess not. People prefer to stew and not get things off their chest. That was not my most proud moment, however, i have learnt.

After mass, i got to talk to her again. It is really good, because everytime i talk to her i really see how much she i improving, and she is having treatment! I mean, i didn't start to improve til a couple of months after treatment. She is a real inspiration.

Then after the movie - amazing grace - i talked to this other lady, who i believe is the lady who indirectly gave me the Lourdes water. I striked a lovely conversation with her before she asked me 'how i was'. That is the give away question, as to people knowing a certain amount about spot and his residual side effects. Which is strange because i really don't mind people knowing, but i want to be the one to tell them. Because telling someone you have a brain tumour is hard enough, especially when you see their reaction. I really don't want other people, who don't have spot, to be exposed to peoples reactions. Sometimes it really does break your heart and you don't want anyone else to have to see that.

If i have learnt anything it is that you cannot force people to talk to one another no matter how much you care for both and want them to be happy. Maybe they are meant to be happy but just at seperate ends of the earth.  

Sometimes, life just does not make sense.

Sad day yesterday was. But, why? I do not know her that well. It is just meeting her briefly in primary school. However, i believe it is because i 'knew' her (i really hate, having to use past tense). I really do wish her all the best! I just cannot believe someone so beautiful would be taken to heaven so early? It just seems everyone is being taken, so young, from this earth. They were only engaged recently too! I just cannot comprehend how someone can be taken when they had everything right in their life. Is it, that they feel complete? That they have found out what life i really about? I do not understand or am able to comprehend, why other people are forced to be placed under such pain, especially when you cannot even think, 'at least they lived a long life'. That, is just not true, when they are only - how old!
All i can say, is RIP and i may have not known you for a long time, but you deserve all the best. :)

Strength is something i need to work on.

Sometimes i feel like the most bipolar person, ever! During the train trip home, i divulged in some deep thought. Unusual, cause it usually happens in the shower. But i thought about how, i cannot allow people to have the amount of power over me, that i have been allowing them to have. How can i be that insecure! It is seriously, frustrating the power they have. But! That is changing...Yay, finally! 

Just to change subject, rather quickly. I have made the assumption that facebook, really does make people too connected. Like this girl, who i think really is trying to hurt me. Keeps on putting status updates about where this girl -who made yr 12 hell- and my -i like to think is a- friend go each and every night. Seriously, it is getting real old and i am not sure i can handle listening to how you are all having a great time. 

Especially now my 'friend' is treating my mum funny and refusing to give eye contact (you see i go by body language) and now she is doing the exact same thing to me, too. Seriously! I do not know what i have done? But what i have been discussing is that if i am to ever find out what i have done (which, i do not think i will and to be honest, i have done nothing!) it will be lies anyway. It feels as if i am walking on egg shells when i am around them. ARGH! Just thinking of them is totally frustrating and if i get this upset just talking about them, why the hell am i going tomorrow? Oh yeah, i wanna prove i am strong enough. Thing is i really do not think i am strong enough. Let us find out. I just hope i have the strength to make the right decision. *crosses fingers*

How long will i bang my head on a brick wall before i realise it cannot be moulded. It is a brick wall!

It is so annoying how i keep on putting myself into situations, surrounded by people who both define - awkward!  You know what is the most annoying part about this? The fact i have a choice. The choice being, i can choose to go to a good night involving, lemon lime and bitters (the best i have ever tasted in fact) and then party, dance. But no, i have chosen to go to a night involving awkward situations and bias religious teaching. Does it seem like i really should choose 1. But no, i am going to be silly and of course choose the second option. Which really isn't a bad option because it involves good company and everything, but i just feel as if hanging out with most of those people i am taking a walk in the past where i am really moving on with my life. But, there is a big part of me that wants to still stay, a little, in the future. This feeling i have is like (to quote sttw..) 'having a game of emotional ping-pong in my head'. One part of me really wants to just go crazy, which i feel i cannot do with 'them', where as the other part wants to remain friends (or even acquaintances) with them and just really teach them to grow up!

It is really sad how this cowardly-ness and unwillingness reminds me of how that little boy of only 6 passed away and he had no choice. Where as, these people have a choice and with that choice they have chosen to complain and not be willing to simply open their mind to the fact they are alive and should take advantage of that. But hey? I am so tired of trying to convince them that they should think of their life as a blessing. Trust me, a chronic illness does that to you. Opening your eyes, that is.

Sadly, i have to end this post on the note of how disappointed in a few people, (who luckily do not sum up human kind which, i was about to say..) i am. 

But do not fear! I cannot end on that totally depressing note. To be honest, i have really just become too tired to bang my head on a wall and get nowhere, anymore. I (A) cannot afford to do that and (B) cannot for my health. Help people who do not want to be helped. However, this has taught me, that people (like you for example) need to learn to see the signs that people do not want to be helped and just get out! It is toxic. For you, especially.
 

The impossible dream, come true!

I cannot believe i have started uni -for one week- and have already begun to procrastinate! One week. That is all it took! sad that is all it took. Oh well, just life i suppose? Well today i went to church and every week, i go, i see this lady and she was losing weight rapidly, which made me think. Maybe she could be having chemo? But, as per usual, ignored what i thought and just went on living in my own self obsessed world, until one of the ladies i respect a lot told me of the lady losing weight rapidly's circumstances and how i should attempt to talk to her. Well i again ignored that suggestion because of being stupid and mainly not knowing what to say to her.

 (Approx 3 weeks later..)

My friend told me about her and i should attempt to talk to her. Well, this time i really did think about it, but was a chicken. YET AGAIN! 
Then i began to think...If i was being approached, whilst having treatment, what would i want people to say to me? Well, the first thing i thought of was all the things i really did not like people saying to me: "How are you?" (seriously!? SERIOUSLY! What do you think?). Then i thought of something i thought would never happen and did...

..IT ENDS!
I thought that would be a fantastic idea to tell her and also, encourage her, to keep fighting the stoopid bug she has.

Well, about 3 weeks after being told to approach her for the last time. I did! However, it took someone to take me over and introduce me to her, -me sort of being just driven into a rather awkward situation-, but after telling her why i wanted to introduce myself to her. I told her a little bit about having spot and how long ago i had treatment -things she wanted to know-. Then i told her the one thing i had been preparing to tell her; that the pain, loss of hair, it all ENDS! Emphasis on the ENDS! I -thank goodness- did not have expectations of how she would react to what i told her. As a result her reaction was priceless. After i said, very nervously, 'It does end, you know', she said, sarcastically, 'really? That is good news'
 oh my goodness, i was so relieved. I did not realize i was so wound up over talking to her, until i broke the ice and the relief just suddenly showered upon me. 


It is funny, because i feel a certain amount of responsibility to tell her how it 'may' feel like. I mean, i cannot say i know what having chemo is like, because i DO NOT, know anything about chemo. But all i can do is inform her of whatever she wants to know, about the changes she is feeling in her body. Because i may not know anything about what she ,personally, is going through but i can say that i changed, physically, thanks to the radio and can only assume that the same would happen with chemo. Assumptions though. They i am afraid will be my downfall.


Well, all i can now do is be there for her and at least attempt to see what it may be like to be a social worker outside of my (future) work. I do hope she does well with everything and doesn't stay to sore from surgery for too long. Good Luck!

The beginning of a new era.

Guess what? I start uni (again) tomorrow! After having to defer for the last two semesters due to spot and the residual side effects of his resection. RESECTION! I love that word. I do not care if i had no idea what it that word meant until i read my discharge report. I know what it means now, and it is one of my favourite words! Wow, i really do know how to change subjects quickly. Which bring me to another point, the idea of having to write an essay for approx 2,000 words and not stray from the subject is near IMPOSSIBLE!
Anyway, wish me luck *fingers crossed*.

The truth.

Talin. The bravest little boy.

This morning i woke up to the most terrible news. The news i was afraid to find out. Talin passed away midnight last night :(. I cannot believe it! I thought he would live forever. I cannot for the life of me understand why someone so young. 6! Would be taken to heaven so soon. Whatever reason that may be. R.I.P Talin and good luck with where-ever you are now. 
:)

Beginning...

To think i begin uni (again..) in 2 days! How exciting. Also, completely terrifing! Silly essays again. To be honest i never missed writing essays or any long writing. I suck immensly  at writing for long periods of time about something i have no researched about. However, here is hoping, i and my brain has changed. Here is hoping *fingers crossed*

Too true.

Everyone is different. Different i tell you.

You know what i was thinking? The fact that people, much like myself really. Don't really want advice for after treatment but more for after because if they are anything like me, they we not able to look up anything until, after the whole process. Maybe, because they physically couldn't or maybe emotionally they couldn't take, the idea of other people going through the same thing and comin out 110%. When you, came out feeling 60% at the most. If i have taken anything from what my mother has told me, it is that, everone is different.

Frustration. Just frustration.

You know what frustrates me? When the news say things like. "They lost their battle". Um, if i can attempt to understand. They, would never have given up! All i know is when i was having radiation, i wasn't 'fighting' it but i was fighting the side effects, which having the radio caused. Trust me, you had too. However, i was thinking if i had to give anyone advice it would be whilst you are having treatment, listen to music! It does wonders and keeps your mind off where you are and why you are there.

The idea of 'friends' are funny.

Guess what? Over the duration of my stay in hospital i really learned who my 'true' friends are. I cannot believe it took a life changing illness for me to realise it, but, hey? Better late than never, right?