Bring me the independence!

Oh yeah.
3 days ago i got my P's! Twas awesome, however, i am afraid. You know why? because, i keep on speeding and cornering terribly! TERRIBLE! Yet, i have acheived so much, in a little amount of time, for example, brain surgery 2 times! Therefore, i should know most than many how us humans are NOT INVINCIBLE! Sad, i can hope and wish, but this is no dream we cannot have an accident and magically survive. :( As a result, most P platers must conclude the fact we are not invinsible, and must drive like that too, so no: mobiles, or speeding :) Thank you for allowing me to vent about silly little things 

Anger. Bad, very Bad!

Very recently i have been getting angry at nearly everything, simply washing up!
It is beyond frustrating and it just feels as if i cannot do anything to change however that really is not the case, i need to forgive & forget, because as it says in this article i just read if you don't forgive you are the one drinking poison not the other person! 
So, one thing i, and everyone, should do is doing a 'gratitude exercise', you basically write down everything whether that be past or present that you are/ have been grateful for.

Here goes, this is mine:
1. I am beyond grateful to BE ALIVE!
2. Having my parents around during the whole diagnosis, cancer, radio & after affects. I really don't know what i would have done if you weren't there for me. That has to be one of the biggest things i am grateful for. BIGGEST!    
3. Even if they aren't my definition of 'perfect', but my friends.
4. To have met all the inspirational people in hospital, showing me that i really do not have the worst diagnosis.
5. I am grateful for being able to return to uni, and now FT. Yay!
6. Monk! I love that show it always makes me laugh when nothing else can.
7. For my fav. doc. to call me a 'remarkable young lady'. That seriously made my day, after what i believed to be a crummy day at uni however it was myself that made it so sad.
8. To gaining good marks at uni - i believe that is because of spot's removal.
9. Being able to have Ben as a good friend until recently when i finally realised how different we truly are, as much as it breaks my heart. 

11. Having my parents around during the whole diagnosis, cancer, radio & after affects. I really don't know what i would have done if you weren't there for me. That has to be one of the biggest things i am grateful for. BIGGEST!
12. For my neurosurgeon being compassionate and telling me spot was malignant in an unusual, but perfectly tailored way.
13. Pretty/ unpretty (glee version) provided the last song i remember listening to before the major OP and this one line stuck in my head "i pity any girl who isn't me tonight". Now it was a surgery performed in the morning however, i just pitied any girl who wasn't as lucky as me to be diagnosed with enough time to be operated on. 
14. Another song - Stronger, Kelly Clarkson - was in the charts after my surgery and during my radiotherapy. It gave me strength because after everything i would be 'stronger'.
15. I have the strength to get over Ben.    

Too True

"love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged cupid painted blind?" - William Shakespeare.

Strength!

You know how Taylor Swift has come out with that new song about not getting back together with her boyfriend? Well, that is exactly how i feel about (someone we shall call..) 'womanizer'. It is so annoying because i have become quite comfortable with being, not so faithful because i have realized i was simply being a more faithful person to feel as if i belonged in that family. Even after all of the effort i went to i was not included in that family.

Therefore, i must have the inner strength to metaphorically slam the door in his face because he is a page in the book of my life that i have turned over and am ready to meet all the other people which i will meet because i wont have him breathing down my neck and frightening off all 'potential' suiters. I am being optimistic you see.

Change is needed!

You know what is frustrating? The fact the Catholic Church is about (in my eyes..) acceptance, no matter who you are and also what you believe and love. So, why does the church not accept people that call themselves 'gay' or 'lesbian'! Seriously, i know why i really don't like to go to church as much anymore. Maybe, because i am not in love with a parishioner and the major reason is because i can't stand how hypocritical the church is being, especially about gay marriage. Ah!
This dinner dance is really going to be fascinating, must keep mouth zipped. ZIPPED! 
However, being a soon to be health professional i really need to be an accepting person as a result, however, that really isn't too much of a problem seeing as i am not around the church crowd as much anymore. 

You know what is frightening? The fact, if i make my opinion known (for gay marriage) i will most likely be shunned by the Church that made me feel so welcome in the beginning. Gah, i hope i have the strength to make the right decision (Doc. Who). Strength be upon you all! :) 

Bullying just sucks!

Everytime i get a spare moment from uni work i watch, 'when nobody listens' which was on Sunday Night, a while ago now. Yet it still means more and more to me every time i watch it! There is a reason, that being, i wish to do something. However, i am not entirely sure what i can do now i have passed that age where i can do something. But, i was thinking i can be a 'model citizen' when i eventually become a professional, and put my no-bullying motto into practice when i work. 
What to do now though? Well, at uni i can just treat everyone the way i would wish to be treated.  Not only would i feel better within myself but make others feel better too!

Sadly, I always watch the suicidal videos and believe that if i was involved perhaps this terrible event wouldn't have happened. If i am honest, i do not believe i would have made any difference because in Miss Penpraze's case it was a deep, deep psychological problem that needed to be addressed. Even though it was in some ways being 'addressed', she was too far effected by this bullying in many forms - Cyber, in person - just to name a few. Really, i have many theories of what 'could of' helped yet at this point in time, i to be honest would not know what to say or do to change a young persons mind, when they have already attempted to kill themselves numerous times before. 
All i can say is R.I.P all those who have killed themselves, you didn't deserve to feel so low you believed death was the only way out. I'm sorry :(

I feel my license is slipping away.

It is sad, because just as i get my confidence, somewhat up. BAM i screw up and the driving instructor has the save my ass from going  into the car in front. SERIOUSLY! I thought i was better than that! Also, i stalled, what felt like a dozen times. GRRR However, what i have learnt is to: Not speed, give way at round-a-bouts, maintain a 3 second rule, know my road rules, not speed, not speed, not speed. Yeah the sad fact of the matter is once i get one thing down, BAM i have another dozen things to memorize and learn perfectly.

Some days are much better than others.

The relay for life was on this weekend!
I have to admit i was afraid of being too excited for the relay, because the last time i was way too excited for something was going on the pilgrimage to Spain and then spot came on the scene and those plans fell through. I have the unfortunate realization that this may mean i have unresolved psychological issues, but the fact the relay did happen, is aiding the healing.

Just to change the subject entirely, today i got a letter. Yes, a letter! It was the letter i have longed for, however, it needed to say what i wanted to read. Guess what? It said i have been accepted into the course which means (if i pass) i can do the compulsory psychology elective at uow instead of having to repeat the same subject at unsw. That really was the cake, and the icing will be passing the subject!
 

Bad Day?

I always look at this and it makes everything better. :)

 This comment. Is really great and may not mean that much to others. Oh boy. It means a lot to me :)

Attempt to begin this post without and 'i' is impossible!

Here goes. Ha! No, I. Woot!
Anyway, i have such a problem with the thought of simply being annoying. However, actually being annoying, in the way i act, send billions of emails. No, that doesn't seem to bother me at the time, now does it? Argh! I understand that this makes no sense. Okay, let me start at the beginning. "A very good place to start.."
After being diagnosed with spot i was helped to pass my SW elective by this lovely lady and post surgery, radiotherapy and everything else. I was able to return to uni and surprise, surprise i got in touch with her. But not to thank her, to ask her for more help. I really am so annoyed with myself. I now realise i should have thanked her before i asked for more help. However, i don't want to seem like i am just buttering her up. Cause that is so wrong! I really do want to thank her. But, i unfortunately cannot turn back time. However, i can change the way i act with her when i see her, this week most probably.
Guess what? I will thank her properly. Yeah! But how? A letter? Flowers? I have no idea. But i will probably do something closer to graduation and include BOTH! 
Another thing i really like is that she checked her email on a sunday. SUNDAY! Which, i for some reason think is really nice. So, thank you :)
I know you will most likely never see this and i will be happy about that, seeing as i have written this atrociously and subsequently it makes NO SENSE! 
But i really just want to say that everything you have done means a lot, even if you do not believe me. It is true, every word. :)

Dance like no-one is watching

Dreaming of a 21st.

After looking at all the different 21st photo's from people parties, i get a smidgey tad jealous. Why? Because i look and see that everyone (well it seems..) has large families and that is what their party is mainly about. The fact that i am jealous. Jealousy is annoying, because i am inflicting it on myself. 
Sadly, i know deep down inside that my family is not like others. We only see each other at Christmas if we're lucky and we don't particularly all get along. But, oh well. I don't see what is wrong with just having something low key. If anything at all. I didn't realise how much all my medical procedures, bills and everything really had been costing. Unfortunately i need to put other things in front of other and prioritise. Yeah! I feel much better.
Dance like no-one is watching. I love that saying it is s true.

Positive thinking

Attempting to sympathise. Attempting.

I watched Sunday Night and saw the story about Olivia Penpraze and saw how affected she was because of Bullies. WOW! I really can not understand and that is why i have attempted to sympathize. Not empathize (after studying what the real definition of empathy is). However, i have spent a lot of the time trying to stay alive (surgery, radiotherapy..), and you see all the other people who are spending time attempting to end their life. 

I do not understand!

It is incredibly sad how mental illnesses like psychosis and others can cause such terrible feelings. Especially in the same family, subsequently passing on the mental illness, depending on the people's strength. However, i really do believe i know nothing about mental illness. Brains, brain tumours. But not mental illness. Must learn more about how it can affect you. 

Stress.

This stoopid assignment i have to complete, that is a cause of stress! Funny, because the teacher was telling us that we should attempt to put our own interpretation of stress, and use that as an aid in our assignment. Consider that done! However, i have to admit i want - one - of my definitions of stress to stump her. Make her think. 

You know one thing that has been also stressing me out? Getting my first results back! I mean, to be honest i didn't put 100% in, but i did try hard. However, i really do think i didn't put 110% (what mum says..) in so i can say, when i get the results back (assuming they are bad) that at least i didn't try. Bad, but too darn true. Wish me luck for the results. *fingers crossed*

Wisdom.

Lesson learnt.

I went! After all that drama i went and it was A okay. Phew!
I swear, i have a bad habit of dramatizing anything and everything, and this Saturday was a good example of that dramatization. It is exhausting!
Well, twas good to just get out of the house and not study! Yay! However, staying on track. We had mass, and about 10 mins went and X came, then another 5 mins passed by and Y came. It was a terrible feeling because it was my entire fault that this happened so, i thought back to what had happened with some other people and how i - somewhat - fixed that problem and thought, 'this will work too!'. Oh boy was i wrong. Okay, so at the end of mass i asked them both to sit down and that failed (i should have stopped there), then i said, 'it doesn't take a genius too see it is awkward between you two, so you should talk about it'. Then i left them to talk, and after that i think i just made thins more awkward. Seriously! I thought that was a really good idea! I guess not. People prefer to stew and not get things off their chest. That was not my most proud moment, however, i have learnt.

After mass, i got to talk to her again. It is really good, because everytime i talk to her i really see how much she i improving, and she is having treatment! I mean, i didn't start to improve til a couple of months after treatment. She is a real inspiration.

Then after the movie - amazing grace - i talked to this other lady, who i believe is the lady who indirectly gave me the Lourdes water. I striked a lovely conversation with her before she asked me 'how i was'. That is the give away question, as to people knowing a certain amount about spot and his residual side effects. Which is strange because i really don't mind people knowing, but i want to be the one to tell them. Because telling someone you have a brain tumour is hard enough, especially when you see their reaction. I really don't want other people, who don't have spot, to be exposed to peoples reactions. Sometimes it really does break your heart and you don't want anyone else to have to see that.

If i have learnt anything it is that you cannot force people to talk to one another no matter how much you care for both and want them to be happy. Maybe they are meant to be happy but just at seperate ends of the earth.  

Sometimes, life just does not make sense.

Sad day yesterday was. But, why? I do not know her that well. It is just meeting her briefly in primary school. However, i believe it is because i 'knew' her (i really hate, having to use past tense). I really do wish her all the best! I just cannot believe someone so beautiful would be taken to heaven so early? It just seems everyone is being taken, so young, from this earth. They were only engaged recently too! I just cannot comprehend how someone can be taken when they had everything right in their life. Is it, that they feel complete? That they have found out what life i really about? I do not understand or am able to comprehend, why other people are forced to be placed under such pain, especially when you cannot even think, 'at least they lived a long life'. That, is just not true, when they are only - how old!
All i can say, is RIP and i may have not known you for a long time, but you deserve all the best. :)

Strength is something i need to work on.

Sometimes i feel like the most bipolar person, ever! During the train trip home, i divulged in some deep thought. Unusual, cause it usually happens in the shower. But i thought about how, i cannot allow people to have the amount of power over me, that i have been allowing them to have. How can i be that insecure! It is seriously, frustrating the power they have. But! That is changing...Yay, finally! 

Just to change subject, rather quickly. I have made the assumption that facebook, really does make people too connected. Like this girl, who i think really is trying to hurt me. Keeps on putting status updates about where this girl -who made yr 12 hell- and my -i like to think is a- friend go each and every night. Seriously, it is getting real old and i am not sure i can handle listening to how you are all having a great time. 

Especially now my 'friend' is treating my mum funny and refusing to give eye contact (you see i go by body language) and now she is doing the exact same thing to me, too. Seriously! I do not know what i have done? But what i have been discussing is that if i am to ever find out what i have done (which, i do not think i will and to be honest, i have done nothing!) it will be lies anyway. It feels as if i am walking on egg shells when i am around them. ARGH! Just thinking of them is totally frustrating and if i get this upset just talking about them, why the hell am i going tomorrow? Oh yeah, i wanna prove i am strong enough. Thing is i really do not think i am strong enough. Let us find out. I just hope i have the strength to make the right decision. *crosses fingers*

How long will i bang my head on a brick wall before i realise it cannot be moulded. It is a brick wall!

It is so annoying how i keep on putting myself into situations, surrounded by people who both define - awkward!  You know what is the most annoying part about this? The fact i have a choice. The choice being, i can choose to go to a good night involving, lemon lime and bitters (the best i have ever tasted in fact) and then party, dance. But no, i have chosen to go to a night involving awkward situations and bias religious teaching. Does it seem like i really should choose 1. But no, i am going to be silly and of course choose the second option. Which really isn't a bad option because it involves good company and everything, but i just feel as if hanging out with most of those people i am taking a walk in the past where i am really moving on with my life. But, there is a big part of me that wants to still stay, a little, in the future. This feeling i have is like (to quote sttw..) 'having a game of emotional ping-pong in my head'. One part of me really wants to just go crazy, which i feel i cannot do with 'them', where as the other part wants to remain friends (or even acquaintances) with them and just really teach them to grow up!

It is really sad how this cowardly-ness and unwillingness reminds me of how that little boy of only 6 passed away and he had no choice. Where as, these people have a choice and with that choice they have chosen to complain and not be willing to simply open their mind to the fact they are alive and should take advantage of that. But hey? I am so tired of trying to convince them that they should think of their life as a blessing. Trust me, a chronic illness does that to you. Opening your eyes, that is.

Sadly, i have to end this post on the note of how disappointed in a few people, (who luckily do not sum up human kind which, i was about to say..) i am. 

But do not fear! I cannot end on that totally depressing note. To be honest, i have really just become too tired to bang my head on a wall and get nowhere, anymore. I (A) cannot afford to do that and (B) cannot for my health. Help people who do not want to be helped. However, this has taught me, that people (like you for example) need to learn to see the signs that people do not want to be helped and just get out! It is toxic. For you, especially.
 

The impossible dream, come true!

I cannot believe i have started uni -for one week- and have already begun to procrastinate! One week. That is all it took! sad that is all it took. Oh well, just life i suppose? Well today i went to church and every week, i go, i see this lady and she was losing weight rapidly, which made me think. Maybe she could be having chemo? But, as per usual, ignored what i thought and just went on living in my own self obsessed world, until one of the ladies i respect a lot told me of the lady losing weight rapidly's circumstances and how i should attempt to talk to her. Well i again ignored that suggestion because of being stupid and mainly not knowing what to say to her.

 (Approx 3 weeks later..)

My friend told me about her and i should attempt to talk to her. Well, this time i really did think about it, but was a chicken. YET AGAIN! 
Then i began to think...If i was being approached, whilst having treatment, what would i want people to say to me? Well, the first thing i thought of was all the things i really did not like people saying to me: "How are you?" (seriously!? SERIOUSLY! What do you think?). Then i thought of something i thought would never happen and did...

..IT ENDS!
I thought that would be a fantastic idea to tell her and also, encourage her, to keep fighting the stoopid bug she has.

Well, about 3 weeks after being told to approach her for the last time. I did! However, it took someone to take me over and introduce me to her, -me sort of being just driven into a rather awkward situation-, but after telling her why i wanted to introduce myself to her. I told her a little bit about having spot and how long ago i had treatment -things she wanted to know-. Then i told her the one thing i had been preparing to tell her; that the pain, loss of hair, it all ENDS! Emphasis on the ENDS! I -thank goodness- did not have expectations of how she would react to what i told her. As a result her reaction was priceless. After i said, very nervously, 'It does end, you know', she said, sarcastically, 'really? That is good news'
 oh my goodness, i was so relieved. I did not realize i was so wound up over talking to her, until i broke the ice and the relief just suddenly showered upon me. 


It is funny, because i feel a certain amount of responsibility to tell her how it 'may' feel like. I mean, i cannot say i know what having chemo is like, because i DO NOT, know anything about chemo. But all i can do is inform her of whatever she wants to know, about the changes she is feeling in her body. Because i may not know anything about what she ,personally, is going through but i can say that i changed, physically, thanks to the radio and can only assume that the same would happen with chemo. Assumptions though. They i am afraid will be my downfall.


Well, all i can now do is be there for her and at least attempt to see what it may be like to be a social worker outside of my (future) work. I do hope she does well with everything and doesn't stay to sore from surgery for too long. Good Luck!

The beginning of a new era.

Guess what? I start uni (again) tomorrow! After having to defer for the last two semesters due to spot and the residual side effects of his resection. RESECTION! I love that word. I do not care if i had no idea what it that word meant until i read my discharge report. I know what it means now, and it is one of my favourite words! Wow, i really do know how to change subjects quickly. Which bring me to another point, the idea of having to write an essay for approx 2,000 words and not stray from the subject is near IMPOSSIBLE!
Anyway, wish me luck *fingers crossed*.

The truth.

Talin. The bravest little boy.

This morning i woke up to the most terrible news. The news i was afraid to find out. Talin passed away midnight last night :(. I cannot believe it! I thought he would live forever. I cannot for the life of me understand why someone so young. 6! Would be taken to heaven so soon. Whatever reason that may be. R.I.P Talin and good luck with where-ever you are now. 
:)

Beginning...

To think i begin uni (again..) in 2 days! How exciting. Also, completely terrifing! Silly essays again. To be honest i never missed writing essays or any long writing. I suck immensly  at writing for long periods of time about something i have no researched about. However, here is hoping, i and my brain has changed. Here is hoping *fingers crossed*

Too true.

Everyone is different. Different i tell you.

You know what i was thinking? The fact that people, much like myself really. Don't really want advice for after treatment but more for after because if they are anything like me, they we not able to look up anything until, after the whole process. Maybe, because they physically couldn't or maybe emotionally they couldn't take, the idea of other people going through the same thing and comin out 110%. When you, came out feeling 60% at the most. If i have taken anything from what my mother has told me, it is that, everone is different.

Frustration. Just frustration.

You know what frustrates me? When the news say things like. "They lost their battle". Um, if i can attempt to understand. They, would never have given up! All i know is when i was having radiation, i wasn't 'fighting' it but i was fighting the side effects, which having the radio caused. Trust me, you had too. However, i was thinking if i had to give anyone advice it would be whilst you are having treatment, listen to music! It does wonders and keeps your mind off where you are and why you are there.

The idea of 'friends' are funny.

Guess what? Over the duration of my stay in hospital i really learned who my 'true' friends are. I cannot believe it took a life changing illness for me to realise it, but, hey? Better late than never, right?